Through this training I have learned many things about myself, my habits, and my attitude. Some that I'm really proud of and others that I'm not so proud of.
In my long distance running, the Lord would grab me in the miles to speak to my heart. This preparation is different, there are no miles to get lost in. But He's grabbing me, and it is in my moments of feeling hungry... which seems to be more often these days. Although I'm eating a very healthy amount of calories, with awesome proteins, carbs, and healthy fats... I do not have the freedom to snack or be spontaneous. Every meal is laid out - it is the same day in and day out.
What I'm learning...
1) In my hunger the Lord has shown me how often I feel as though I have the right to snack or eat something. By that I mean -
-I have the money on me, I'm hungry- so I'm going to stop and pick up a bag of chips and a soda.
-I'm at the movies, I'm going to splurge and get a popcorn, pretzel, large drink, and candy... Free refills, right?
-I'm pumping gas...that candy bar looks great!
-We are celebrating (enter any type of celebration: birthday, baby, anniversary, wedding, good behavior, good choice...) I can have a little extra.
-Haven't seen her in a long time, it's a special lunch... lets get the big meal and a dessert!
Those are just a few but you're catching my drift...right?
It has been very eye opening this concept I have of food. Way too often I'm not wanting food out of necessity but out of convenience, demand, and well... because I can. Ewww, I sound like a spoiled brat! Is that what my relationship with food has become?
2) Through my hunger, I've learned I've got a bad attitude and it is my job to choose JOY -
Man this one hurts. Talk to anyone in my family and you'll find out just how short my fuse has been recently... I'm hyper-sensitive so I feel super defensive. Say the wrong thing at the wrong time and I'm off... it's terrible because I can hear myself speaking and think; "SHUT UP! WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT! NO!" but I can't stop, it just keeps pouring out. Then I am so convicted over the way I responded/acted that I have to go and apologize. Which is so embarrassing but it is where I'm at. I am trying so hard to work on my attitude, how I respond, and to not be so defensive and feel like I'm being attacked.Choosing Joy... this has really been a struggle when it comes to "celebrations" and events. The holidays, Savannah's birthday and my birthday were a really difficult time for me. I LOVE birthday cake, candy, and celebratory goodies so to not get any of those sweet treats was so difficult for me. Difficult to the point where I didn't want to make holiday cookies and was blowing off celebrations because I couldn't participate in the sweet goodies... bottom line, this competition is MY CHOICE and I don't get to have a bad attitude or pout about saying "woe is me" because this is something I've chosen to do for myself. That's been a real difficult pill to swallow - looking at myself in the mirror, saying TODAY I CHOOSE JOY! Today you will celebrate, you will encourage, you will be joyful not because of the food that's being offered but because you TRULY love this person and are full of the joy of the Lord.
Here's the hard question God asked me; "Is the supply of your joy coming from the food and situations/celebrations you're in or from Me?"
Ouch. and how pathetic.
It made me reflect on the question - what is the purpose of food in my life?
3) It doesn't matter how long you've worked out, trained, removed certain foods from your diet... it doesn't get easier. The cravings still come and go. I may be able to manage them better than in the past but there will still be struggles with cravings.
Right now I'm battling sugar...again... hard core. Like to the point of holding my daughter's cereal box in my hands and smelling it. Watching those dang "tasty" facebook videos and drooling. And daydreaming through the Valentine's Day candy isle. It is difficult right now, I'm not going to lie!
4) Fear of success & people pleasing - not everyone understands why I am training for this competition. There are two extremes of people when they find out what I'm doing- Those who think I'm crazy (after running 5 marathons why not this) and the others who are completely questioning my salvation! haha.
What I've had to come to accept is that it isn't about anyone else except me and the Lord. Fitness is a very personal journey and it is why so many women get emotional about their weight and the goals they want to reach. There can be a lot of hurt, pain, and scars from the past that are revealed in our journey!
This competition is not about a trophy or a certain body weight or seeing how fit I can get in the shortest amount of time. This competition is about becoming the best I can be, walking across a stage in front of my peers and judges with my head high proud of the accomplishment, the sacrifice, the dedication.
I will walk not in pride but God confidence - this is my body and I am so proud of the way God has designed and made me. I no longer HATE my body, SHAME my body, or look at myself with disgust. I have pushed my body in workouts, sacrificed in nutrition, and treated it with the most respect and it in return has done something amazing!
Here we are, 8 weeks out and things are progressing quickly! I'm beginning to notice changes and feeling leaner and stronger. I get to order my suit here in the next 2 weeks, which is very exciting! I've been practicing my posing so I hope you can tell the difference ;) No more robot girl! Getting comfortable in my skin, shoes, and suit! Clearly there's still a lot of room for progress but I'm so happy with where I'm at - I keep pushing forward to get better, do better, and be better!
Here is my progress from September:
And where I'm currently at with 8 weeks until competition:
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