I didn't forget about you.

I've not blogged in a while... mainly because I've been in a complete funk in ALL areas of my life.

Running, personally, spiritually, friends, family... you name it and I've just felt "blah".  I didn't want to bring you down!!!  Honestly, I've not been interested in really anything; my runs have been uneventful, my quiet times lacking, worship pitiful, and minimal involvement with friends.  It's just been a few weeks of complete defeat all around.  Ever felt like like.... anyone .... hello?

I feel pretty guilty for feeling this way because the Lord continues blessing my family and all I can do it just sit here, like a blob.  It's not that I DON'T want to be all "go get 'em" but for some reason I just can't find the energy, excitement, and joy I normally have.  It also doesn't help that the things I typically go to that refill and replace (running, quiet times, worship) just haven't been working.

It's really all my fault, I'd love to blame it on the weather but honestly it comes down to the reality that I've allowed the enemy to corner and convince me that I'm worthless.  Instead of fighting it, I've accepted that I'm just not good enough...

Oh, this isn't a pity party for Hillary... don't worry!  Because this weekend the Lord smacked me out of it.  And here's how He did it -

We've named our Youth Group- Remnant Student Ministries

Mission Statement: Awaken a generation by reaching young people with the relevant and passionate message of Jesus Christ. Calling them to their individual purpose and corporate responsibility to impose the kingdom of God. It is our goal to seek the face of God with all of our heart, mind and soul.  We believe that we are the generation that will not only seek the face of God for ourselves but also our friends, family and educational system.

Vision: Strive to provide an atmosphere that any student will feel welcomed, confident and assured that they are loved by the God who created them. Our services are made up of one goal (to seek God with all of our hearts)

Friday, we had a member of our church volunteer to paint our two huge Youth Rooms.  He took time out of his work week to come in and paint our rooms.

Not only that but Pastor Shawn gave me permission to hit IKEA and buy whatever was necessary for our room.

Not only that BUT a two members of the church met me and helped me unload the heavy furniture from the truck!  Not only that BUT we had a woman offer to donate fabric and her services to cover our old chairs...all 105 of them!

Friday the Lord allowed me to see just how blessed our Youth Ministry is.  That HE is in control and I just need to chill out and allow Him full control.  I got to talk to a friend, who is also a Youth Pastor, who encouraged me, gave me some tips, and critiqued me a bit.  It was a day full of blessings.

Friday evening, I took Savannah to her first musical!  My best friend, Kylie Parks, is the director of the Jr. High theater department for Sycamore School District.  They did the Little Mermaid and it was beyond spectacular!  If you know Kylie, she is beyond talented!  The Lord has blessed her abundantly and she pours so much into the students and that department!  I am so proud of her and her students!

Savannah did GREAT!  She sat through the entire musical and loved it!  We went to the gym to meet the characters and she was in heaven! In awe of Ariel and LOVED Ursula... hah!

Saturday our Women's Ministry had a gathering and it was a great time of being poured into.  I'm not going to lie, I really did not want to go.  I am not a big fan of "Women's gatherings"- they're often full of a bunch of fake laughter & conversations.  I had already had told myself it was going to be stupid and went into it with a bad attitude.  Just being real with you.

I showed up late and the Lord really convicted me of that.  My attitude is a reflection of my personal time with the Lord and well, as I mentioned earlier, has been pretty crappy.

Pastor Shawn's wife, Holly, spoke and she did so great.  She spoke about being a Hero and allowing the Lord and trusting the Lord to be our hero... it was so great.

I left immediately after the gathering because Chad and I were running 17 miles... I've been hopping from thing to thing, hoping something will trigger me out of the funk.  Running often is that thing but well, not Saturday.

The last 2 weeks have been so difficult to log my miles due to snow, ice, and winter weather warnings. So, I've had to cut miles, log miles at weird times, and my body hasn't responded very well to that.  I'm a stickler when it comes to my training programs and it's been frustrating to not run because of the weather.

Chad, who is a beast, had already ran a 10k Saturday morning and then joined me for 17 MORE miles... insane?!  I think so!  The sun was shining, it was so nice and warm... it was really a GREAT day for a run.  That is, until I ran out of water.  Mile 12, I was out!  Miles 11-14 were just painful.  I was checked out, bored, wasted, done.  Just wanted to be finished and the last 3.5 miles were a slow, painful uphill climb.  I logged the miles and was done.  "Whatever" was my mindset and when my awesome girlfriend Erin texted me to see how the miles went I was all whiney about how I paced a 10 minute mile and she said; "Hillary, a 10 minute pace for 17 miles is something to be joyful about.  Awesome Job!  Not many people can say they have achieved that!"  And in that moment I had to accept my attitude again, was crap.  UGH!

Sunday morning rolled around and well, still crappy attitude because I lost an hour of sleep.  I got to church and was able to tell Holly what a wonderful job she did at the Women's gathering and that it was actually really awesome.  Rarely do I enjoy those types of events but the women I met and interacted with were genuine and sweet.

And out of her mouth she spoke something that I didn't realize I needed to hear until she said it.  She said; "That means a lot coming from you.  I watched a video of you speaking to a congregation and was so impressed.  You have a gift and are an excellent speaker."

I looked at her and said; "Wait, there's a video of me speaking online?!"

She was like, um yeah!  and church started...

Have you ever had one of those moments when you've been trying to figure out what the problem has been and out of nowhere someone says something so simple that smacks you in the face and wakes you up to realize you've just been in a funk because you've doubted yourself, your talents, and where the Lord has you?

It was in that sentence I realized my funk has been in my leadership with the Youth.  Feeling inadequate, unworthy, and not good enough to be leading students.  I've been doubting my gift, my calling, and instead of standing up against the doubt, I've just accepted it and the crappy attitude that has come along with it.

So I watched the video and the Lord reminded me of the fire, spirit, and passion that I once had for the Youth.  I've become passive, soft, and dead in my teaching because of hurt and fear.  I've had to do a lot of reflecting and time with the Lord... to ask Him to revive that passion and ignite that fire once again.

In my time He reminded me that He has not forgotten me, He has me right where he wants me and is waiting for me to let Him use me.

Yesterday got even better when we celebrated my dad's 58th birthday!  His birthday is pretty special considering we almost lost him 6 years ago (Easter weekend) to a heart-attack.  My dad is Irish and his FAVORITE Holiday is St. Patty's Day and his birthday is March 11th, so we always make a big "to-do" about St. Patty's Day!  The girls LOVED celebrating!

 Poppie with his girls

Speaking of dad and St. Patty's Day...

Sunday, March 17th (St. Patty's Day) I will be running the Mini Heart Half Marathon in honor of my dad!  I'm so excited about my first Half-Marathon.  I know, I am running all my races in reverse order but am looking forward to the challenge.  My running buddy, Erin, will be joining me for this race.  It's our first Half-Marathon!  I'm very excited about running it for my dad!

It will be a VERY SPECIAL race!

I'm ready to be out of the funk, the bad attitude, and really thrive in his presence.